Rumpelfemme was floored by the number of email responses we received to a recent article interviewing an advocate of the Adult-Child Movement. Many people, women in particular, had never heard this concept spoken of publically and were baffled to realize that THEY were in fact living with an Adult-Child. Here are the first two email questions and Rumpelfemme’s modest attempts at answering them.
Q: My husband kept furloughing my attempts at celebrating his birthday. It seemed that my enthusiasm was not up to par and his offense was so great that we had to put off celebrating day after day while he pouted. He finally declared 8 days later that tonight was the night to celebrate his birthday. He bought ribs and some beer. Worried that my lackluster enthusiasm would show through, I bought children’s decorations and balloons and candles for his birthday cake and manically screamed “Happy Birthday” when he walked in the door. Finally, it seems he was getting the attention he deserved. He walked around the kitchen strumming badly on his acoustic guitar while singing along to his favorite spotify playlist. Then he put on the wildly inappropriate Scott Pilgrim for our two young kids (one still in preschool) and talked the entire time about video game references within it. At one point, he was laying on the kitchen floor with the dog licking his ears. I never realized it before but I think my husband is an Adult-Child in the closet. Should I confront him about this? Are Adult-Children dangerous? What discipline strategies work best?: -Unprepared Disciplanarian
A: I hear you, Unprepared. Your husband is exhibiting classic signs of choosing the Adult-Child lifestyle. If you confront him, be prepared for him to throw a major fucking tantrum about how unfairly you are treating him, while listening to his favorite comedian on his bluetooth earpiece. More than likely he will complain about how you just do not understand him, never breaking eye contact with the TV. He will bring up everything you have ever done to annoy him but do not interrupt him, especially not to correct his false accusations, this will only make him try to guilt trip you into having more sex with him. The greatest danger is in losing your sense of humor. The best strategy, once an Adult-Child is in the throws of a tantrum, is pretend you have to pee, instead take a couple Xanax and then think about horse back riding while you fake-nod understandingly for as long as you can. When he stops to go pour himself a drink because he feels you are patronizing him, pretend to fall asleep. In the morning you should hide his car keys in a laundry basket full of his dirty clothes to distract him.
Q: After reading your article, I started to wonder if my husband’s habitual cheating was not actually my fault (he claims I do give him enough affection), but perhaps is a result of his inability to decide if he wants to become an adult or remain an irresponsible child. Does this make him an Adult-Child? Is this medically treatable? -Concerned Victim
A: My dear sweet Victimette…. There is no help out there at this time because being an Adult-Child is not a medical condition. The research coming out on this suggests that Adult-Child is a lifestyle choice. Speaking of choices, it is not your fault that you do not want to sleep with your husband. Selfish Adult-Children lack the awareness to tickle your sweet spot the way an adult can. So stop being a victim and realize it is time for you to face facts. Whatever the circumstances that brought you together (maybe you chose him because you thought you wanted to be young forever), you grew up and he did not. Either there will be more spanking than hanky packing in your future , or its time to move on and find yourself an authentic adult. After all that is what adults do.
Rumpelfemme 